your hands

this makes me happy

2005-03-13T05:52:52Z

In an odd sort of way, today is my favorite day in a long time..

2005-01-26T03:39:44Z

i think it's because i remember the experiences of today in feelings and thought patterns over what physically took place. late for school again but i've pretty much accepted that i will never be on time for anything. my bastard mind .... always fucking talking, even when i'm talking, inverted itself into a mutation of handy anti-social skills and climbing out of my head onto other planets*. today i listened attentively to my mind's arrogant thought-thought-thought process, and got off to being able to think. and then fuck thinking about thinking, creating situations, scenerios in my head, pulling out figures from my subconcious and disrespectfully disregarding who i'm with because i like to live in my head. i like to live in my head. evasion through writing and sleep, comfort in reading.

livejournal is a silly fucking excuse.
which is why this is my last post!!

GOODBYE

liquid fingers

2005-01-22T09:26:02Z

I

green, green wings of the berry bird born with seven bones deformed
ceases rotation of it's swollen neck (in order to) burst its brains in compulsive defect
picking at the stimulated seed so deep far in the winter ripened soil
tears spit sweat . sex drug breath . contact surrender control..
god doesn't understand me, he delves vulnerability out of me in spurratic eqations
the abusive father of scientists. the side case to the ultimate experiment
novels and poetry about astrological star signs and compatibility
point their dicks in narrowed analysis fatalistically deformed into angelicritique
self drawn awareness arms suck smoke from my throat and wrap my teeth
around the fingernail's dirt ditch containing the remainder of hospitalized skin cells
and heels above my head females like me get off to his rawNasty smells
as if i should feel guilty for knowing how to arouse my body
or even feel guilty for enjoying someone who's learning how to please me
properly. so slow: the slowness of slow slowed in hard
thrusting joint strained knuckles and tight palms unarm
me. disassemble me and my puerile pieces of ankles chins
and wrists. all is over, all is over at the 20 minute to midnight kiss.

And by the way:

what does insect sex smell like?
pathetically swimming in the beige flood
of evening butterflies performing the hunt-
and-seize ritual, beautiful nocturnal air bugs
smoking exfoliated lines of light
drawn to the warmth of my cunt
moaning ejaculation in visual gas
molecules of fly sperm wiggling on my tongue
tastes like maggots and cum. like butter and gum.
3 doses of sugar coated sperm!
.....yuck or yum?

II

does he get it?

it depends on what color my rollerblades are.

as we skate down the sand
my hands will twist your midnight blue shirt around my thumbs
would you let me cut off my tongue?

what about caterpillars and the soft sensation of the process before maturation
do green legs and fuzzy heads intimidate you?

you're inside me, what now?

POSTING THIS FEEDS MY EGO =)

2005-01-22T00:02:50Z

caracollective: how long will it take this single
monkey brain
to write some poetry
if I cannot spare a thousand years
and have but one typewriter

iamado r r r k: dude go away

caracollective: I'm sorry, it would be much appreciated if you were nice sometimes.

caracollective: obviously not, you're only out for yourself and any hedonistic adventure that will feed your ego

caracollective: some do art for others, some art art themselves, thou art what?

caracollective: life is merely inspiration... the average person grabs an aspiring for a headache, the writer grabs a pen, the artist his brush and the musician his notes

caracollective: and i am juggling all three

caracollective: happily

iamado r r r k: haha

caracollective: whereas simple minds delight only in the juggling, i delight in that which i embrace beyond that

iamado r r r k: i dont fucking care, why are u telling me

iamado r r r k: justify yourself by yourself

iamado r r r k: u dont know your audience

caracollective: because im writing right (write) now. and i am merely using this window as a window to embellish what i see through that same window. the glass also helps reflect

iamado r r r k: why the fuck are u talking to me like that, stop trying to prove yourself right now

iamado r r r k: GO AWAY

caracollective: nothing to prove

iamado r r r k: GO THE FUCK AWAY

iamado r r r k: go away

caracollective: i dont seek to get anywehre in life, but where i am ... i may be moving but my destination is always the same spot. the same point is where i want to be. it doesnt much matter being anywhere else or where you are going.

iamado r r r k: yeah. u stagnant bitch.

we all have the right to think, but still,

2005-01-20T02:11:49Z

i want the beautiful taste of the river of words he drinks from..

(translates into: i want to be a good writer)

scenic monday

2005-01-18T07:02:00Z

every..
individual hair on his body
was made with purpose

(holy shit that thought/line spurs endless branches of thoughts to choose from. what will i write about to connect the images? the shades of his eyes? our silences? our creepy chemistry? )

damn, that's the end of my internet introversion analysis writing for the night.

A poem for Trevin

2005-01-17T06:58:43Z

BREAKFAST MENU:

black meaty discolored dog dick slabbed and fried in a yellow pan of greese

morning plaque and discharge spread around a cow's plump tender nipple

the cow produces milk in chunks of curd with the farmer's lubricated fingers

half excited, half aroused.

tender flesh flapping in the wind like a flag, but more like a dangling soft dick.

of a 5 year old.

pregnant mother bonsai's face down on her infant, causing suffocation and hearing loss.

13 year old girl discovers a change in her breasts, excited she shows her best friend,

who immediately grows jealous at the sight of their swelling

who immediately grabs a pair of scissors

and gouges at her cunt.

17 year old girl being raped by her chinese father...

they orgasm together, incredible-sublime-surreal, they fall asleep in each other's arms, smiling

mother comes home to her dog urinating on her dildo

she masturbates with it in a room with a mattress and a ceiling fan

videotapes it, and mails it to her boss on valentine's day.

she gets the raise.

sealing the brain container

2005-01-17T06:26:34Z

reasons:

solar facial
silence substitute
alligator orgasm
saliva fingers
making love on a balanced globe

also:

redneck sex
niggers and chinks
Sunland's identity teenage crisis infection
cunts, blunts.. and Pubic Hair.

lagarto_doce @ 2005-01-08T14:07:00

2005-01-08T22:11:24Z

This is the main condition of absurdity – the dragooning of an unconvinced transcendent consciousness into the service of an immanent, limited enterprise like a human life.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

2005-01-07T04:46:56Z

verb.
adjective noun ambiguous verb noun word
word word word word word word word word word
word
wo
r
d
words + missing words x metaphors for shit i can't express properly
properly.
the repeated word for emphasis
unstructured structure
sounds in harmony in placed order to test comprehension
well fuck that, fuck you, fuck writing yEEah!

bullshit situation, at least i can laugh!

2005-01-06T04:26:46Z

ohh i love her- that seran wrapping feminist celebrating backs,
that stupid identity uniform you wear makes me laugh
she gives out collectible stamps entitled "BFF"
and never mails any letters.

she writes people letters and never delivers.
she tells people she writes them letters that she'll never deliver
one would wonder if she even had anything inside those pages at all.

i fucked the drunk you and of course you started crying, of course.
i'm beginning to genuinely dislike you, you introduced me to
writing about cyclical concepts, never thought you'd mentally operate
like a fucking child.

it seems that you were a pebble i carried along to glance at in vain.
throw rocks out onto shore and cover your pain with save the earth t-shirts
self indulgence wept in my ear to that redundant indie rock once more
that her library book porno and breathe patterns are expected
and you predictably play this role.
i'm just the asian playing at piano recitals, why exactly did you befriend me?
ethnicity? jealousy? dependency? reciproci---wait that never happened.
glance inside the bathroom of removing the skin from your fingernails
from scraping your feet in the shower, tearing away your:
accepted cool-yet-awkward hipsters who can't quite function, she belongs
of course you sympathize, your identity is more definable
you belong.
baby baby baby, its your youniverse.

The End.

time box reads "Do not open until January 2, 2005"

2005-01-03T02:59:08Z

Listen,
the rainmaker is crying to the music

nocturnal ramble

2004-12-31T11:27:25Z

45 mountain tops, imaginary by chance, were painted in symmetrical solar position.

earth seems to be aproximately 1 mile away from my heels
with ankle-wings and who knows how many dreams, (big ones)
that's my luggage, all i've decided to have.

i sit there a lot, and just laugh
i suppose laughing is the new therapy,
but you sound like a lunatic when you realize that laughing at laughing isn't funny.

the nervous tendencies, as the music raises intensity
please raise the volume of the voice you have chosen to read this aloud with

licking pale flesh.
something's dead in the forest.
the smiling bones on desert planks,
of the sullen eyes, and a refusal of depression

.i can't sleep.

we begin the climb in this scene. large mouth descends from the backdrop darkness. stained teeth and red lips, laughing at the struggling poet. i'm taken aback.. the audience has been trying to perform for me all along.

in one frustrated pull-

ceasing the beating of my skeleton, punishing me with chemicals that feel happy.

murdering myself for the irony of beauty. something so destructively passive and depressively romantic. you'd notice my awe stricken gaze when you penetrated my jaw. and fucked it-

my heart beats in triplets,
sensitive to any form of sensitivity
he was an 8th note yesterday and a grace note today
and i'm still a triplet...

alison deleted her livejournal

2004-12-30T06:43:57Z

.these words were designed to cry.

fellow shadows gather 'round,
hindsight animals constipate me
i'm trying to just be, but fabrications are
weeping in the creases of my ears
"this is who you used to be!"

they can go ahead and think 'oh her,
she was the prostitute camillion ready to be
tickled and have her cunt licked while smiling for internet users'
the lyricist pondered at musical volume and snatched her!

drugs. and stimulation. tender vessels beating against a new body.
virginity. it's a rush.
and a lot more fun. -- Look at her, she's wrong!

is it staying true or crying safely so far into your hole
you can't even realize your reality is a pit?
"you don't know me"
Alright, I don't.
"stop trying to justify my feelings"
Alright, I won't.
we can end this friendship with a click

doors. shut. doors. shut. (WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!- but see i give a fuck.)

they shall be whatever label they're stapled as
this is us *best* ship racing unit
sailing circular motions through calm waters
but there must be a storm, if not let's create one
for storms are beautiful, and that can make us beautiful too
what are you trying to accomplish, let's be real
i'm raising my voice for you so u don't have to scream.

angelica says:
she was always the one who glimmered in soft voices
she spoke to me, she reached me, she loved me
and i think whatever love is, i think i can say Fuck love
what draws us together is what erases us as we must
flow. or rather learn to, but baby cheer up
i made you guitar songs for your tears, you've reached my heart too
it's been reaccquanted with you
life isn't about that, tell me what it is
tell me why we're girls and why gender justifies us
tell me why we have to have issues
you are,... Female.
i am no kind soul, but you understood feminine sorrow
your heart just understands, i've been there... i've been IN there.
i'm...
overanalyzing . you do the same thing too,
in each other we find refuge
in each other we found refuge.

don't define me best friend
don't define me shitty friend
you are you, and you are you.

i don't care what kind of friends we are
i don't fucking care anymore, for
i don't need permission to love you.

(let's look at ourselves now.
let's fucking LOOK one last time
and not be afraid to see
coffee, tea or sushi?)

alison,
it's a FUCK IT or FACE IT mentality.
you walk, i walk too.

big tits and kinky cuts

2004-12-30T01:21:56Z

this is somehow supposed to be considered beautiful?
i don't understand...

tongues in the rain

2004-12-28T08:04:56Z

angel,
is this metaphysical or savage quality?
dip me in your cup of calm
murmmerance in the distant echos
at your feet and palms
even in the dirty rain...

i love the
branches growing out of your head
tangled with the electricity around mine
it wears me out..

my body keeps up with running minutes
gravity helps keep me on the earth
relative to your frequency
thoughts in the red mixtures
it's something i can't really say.

if i could hold your face in my hands
i know it wouldn't last
the universe doesn't belong to us

rubber plants and this soggy rain dance
parked in front of my house for 2 extra minutes
stare at the glass . stare at the rain on the glass .
hover in the sky

i could never say, "Drench me" to your face

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM

2004-12-24T20:12:26Z

was that myself?
Myself: being, a genuine depiction? or all that i was because that's all i knew, and that was all i let myself be?

so upon my own creation i find myself with this inability to expose myself to anybody / effortless stretch / heart knows not everything / fluctuating feelings / trust and analyzing the trust and analyzing the analysis / so theres my life in this summed up stream of thought before i hit REM and once again i've reached no conclusion / experience can be fleeting / what bodies are made out to be / i... i don't know / but let's listen to the hormonic undertone.............. whistle in my breath.

my senses stripped at the bare tip stimulant frantic heartbeat / rushed / laying / back on chest on back i look up at / the tree covered windows silver veins wrapped the glass / i look further up at / the moon glazing light through the branch canopy of leaves shadows of light / and us inbetween / nestled in a nugget of earth / feeding off each other cuz it shouldnt hurt / inside me

inside me / scars and guitars / i listened to the collision / i conjured my monster and devoured my idle state---
idle. idle and comfortable. idle and comfortable and distant. idle and comfortable and distant and
Wait-
mirrors behind mirrors behind mirrors behind mirrors
sloth mental broth slop cage fuck what and what and wHAT the FUCK?!

a;lskdfja;slkdfjsa;lkdfjas;lkfjs
aslkdfjsa;lfjasl;kdfjsa;ldkfjsa;l
askdfas;lkfjsal;kfja;slkfjsal;k

it's christmas time, my boyfriend is dynamic, and it feels like

2004-12-13T01:33:48Z

we're
falling off the earth
holding hands

lagarto_doce @ 2004-12-07T16:41:00

2004-12-08T00:36:17Z

so much fucking rejection in one day.

bottom lip dominant

2004-12-05T03:01:47Z

all the blisterous roses. chose me. to wind down the trail of tall tales. childhood. intimate rejection salvage erection. the direction points nowhere but inwards, let's go there. poison infect pineapple mouth saliva wet fruit bowl weighted headed towards the center pressure spot scramble my senses stimulate questions.........

safety arms and conversed kisses
bring us elevated here can you listen

a little closer?

centrum

2004-12-03T23:00:32Z

so i'm driving home and i thought, December 3rd wouldn't have that much of a significance to me unless i gave some to it. and i decided i like today because the 3rd is like the 26th and i'm infatuated with recent developments----- yet to flutter. no, realizing mutual suspension mid-flight!

merge worlds

the bodies fit

lagarto_doce @ 2004-12-01T21:38:00

2004-12-02T05:40:26Z

one hand, allows the other

stephanie

2004-11-24T21:51:59Z

i'm hugging you soft

2004-11-24T02:21:11Z

i catch my pulse before it chokes me
vision of hand spinning 180 to 90
wish it were a bit more gentle
sleeping in the leaves
we sink
into the shade, the shadows
are smiling creatures, alone
by ourselves between the dust
floating between 2 inch gaze
2 seconds captured
in 14 lines of human family
the organic flavor of your mouth
chops up Lung smoke by hard light
ends of fingertips catch
the touch of skin
in eager search
on body over land, wander
to help each other
through this

take me and we'll lay, watching the motions
above us drenched in suspense, teenagers running through
the scattered stars, we're numbered 2 to 1
no, i mean you and me, but i suppose they,
the stars, are lost souls as well

author reads the constellations
writer writes behind the words
reveals in all her nudity
the bare forms of your development
and ready to scale the corners of
every wall i'm pressed against
catching wind in these cupped hands
here my arms go again

i think he's polluting my thoughts with hindsight flame of clarity

2004-11-22T04:36:30Z

harmonious bodies
attached to each other
in present conversation
on the couch
one a little insecure the other
ready to pursue not on
complete defense but
contemplating the chance of
closing the window and
opening the door
a hug for the cold
give me 1 more
holding onto his back because he
wont give me his jacket